My life will never be perfect, who’s life ever is perfect any ways. I will never actually be happy with my life, my happiness disappeared a long time ago. I never had a relationship with my father, the first time he came to one of my therapy sessions, was the hardest thing I ever had to sit through. He saw me cry tears of sadness instead of tears of fear. He isn’t the greatest dad, but I believe in trying to help him through it. He has caused me a lot of pain, he has abused me, and almost killed me, how did he almost manage that? He covered my mouth and my nose with his hand and I couldn’t breathe, I can still feel my lungs tighten from that memory. That memory I remember so clearly, I was in trouble and my dad has anger problems, I was put in a corner on a “time out,” my sister was at the doorway yelling at him to let me go, he wouldn’t. The only way he let go was because he was pressing so tightly I sneezed…I know fucked up. He would always hit me and her and pinch us and push us up against the walls. I am always scared to talk to him about stuff, because I don’t want him to get angry, he actually scares me and always will. I was always bullied in school, I was called fat and ugly, everything was always directed to my weight. I hate who I am because of school. The kids that would bully me, made me feel like I’m not normal, like I’m a fat ugly freak. I’ve cut, almost every teenage girl has cut. I do have scars on my left wrist from cutting. It’s something I crave when I’m upset. I have written down ways to kill myself. Do I want to die? I have no answer for that question. I have grabbed 3 knives and put them next to each other on my bed to see which was the sharpest and I tried to stab myself, I just didn’t have the guts to do it, I sat there crying, feeling like a failure like a fucking idiot, I couldn’t even kill myself. I’m just tired of feeling alone, useless, worthless and unimportant to everybody. I fuck up all the time, I’m annoying and I never know what to say, I’m socially awkward. My brother was always someone I loved, I guess he understands me. I cry for him, a lot. I cry because I wish he didn’t fuck up either. He was addicted to oxy, he stole from his family and pawned everything off in Hamilton, He is dating a girl who was also addicted to oxy. He lives in Hamilton now and I never get to see him. I miss him so much, I worry about him all the time. He makes me mad, yes…I feel like I’m not important to him because he would rather stay with his gf who treats him like shit. When you think about it, I don’t have a life worth living, there is nothing great about my life. I have friends, yes…but really they don’t even like me. I’m nothing to them, I feel like I’m never wanted, I’m just shit to them. I don’t have anybody to talk too and it’s so fucking hard, having everything in my head all the fucking time. I just want to cry and break down and scream at the top of my lungs until they explode. I just don’t know how much I can take of life any more. I’m on the edge of giving up. Fuck .
Another fucked up teenager